Mastering the Art of Madness
by Shinning-Darkness
Summary: Butler knew that look in his young master's eye, it was the look he had when plotting and executing something dangerous and illegal. So when he watched his young charge march to his first class with The Look, Butler sincerely hoped no one would get hurt.


**A.N. Okay, I've put it up for the second time. There are slight changes, for example the first chapter now contains two of the old ones. Secondly, I'm changing the plot (again) and sticking with the new one. Updates will be when the chapter makes sense, and not when their done (this time). I apologize any problems it's caused. I'm rewriting all the chapter (except these two) and will update every 3 to 4 days, maybe a week at the most. If I don't update for a very long time, assume it's on hold.**

Disclaimer: If I owned Artemis Fowl, I'd have him locked up in my basement and making me rich. Unfortunately, I don't. I hope you all sense my disappointment.  
  
"Would you like me to get someone to show you to your classes?" She asked naively. Butler felt a wave of pity for the lady as Artemis' posture seemed to straighten slightly.

"No, I would not like someone to show me to my classes. The way the architect is structured and the rooms numbered, even an idiot would be able to find his way around, and I really do hope you don't mistake me for an idiot, it would be… regrettable." Artemis said, rising his eyebrow up at the end. Butler sighed, hoping his charge would one day show manners to assistants or anyone unfortunate enough to meet Artemis on the wrong terms.

"Very well…" She said, surprised at the young man's rudeness. She idly wondered if the boy were actually some sort gang leader's kid.

Artemis then started tapped his foot impatiently, making sure he tapped loud enough for the gaping lady to regain her senses and give him his schedule. She must have sensed his impatience and bad mood, for she snapped out of her thoughts and hastily shoved Artemis the paper, never meeting his eyes. With a quick and graceful pivot, Artemis and Butler were already exiting the building while the office lady regained her frowned at the boy's display of manners, or his case, lack of manners. Artemis remained quiet, knowing exactly what butler was going to say.

"She was only trying to help." Butler said.

Artemis regarded him coolly, giving no indication of hearing him.

"She is an idiot. I do not care whether she was trying to help or not, because she obviously has no ability to contain thought in her head long enough to find it useful or not." Artemis said with a pout, though to anyone watching he would look the perfectly at ease.

"You'll never get a date if your always so rude to people." Butler said, which surprised Artemis, Butler rarely offered opinions.

"I am not looking for a date, nor do I have any intention of ever looking for a date. What I am looking for, however, is a reason why I have to constantly attend this ridicules excuse for a school." Butler also wondered why the prodigy had to attend school, his charge's intelligence may or may not already have surpassed his own.

"Just because your fathers… missing, doesn't mean you can skip school. You mother worries about you, you know." Artemis looked unbothered, yet Butler knew better, his parents were a touchy subject, especially his father.

"Yes…" Artemis began softly. "But it's still a horrible idea." He finished in a strong voice.

"Besides, you might actually find you like it." Butler added in a hopeful voice, fully aware his charge will not enjoy it in the slightest.

"I highly doubt it, old friend."

They heard the bell ring, signally the beginning of the lessons. Artemis sighed and cast a fake beaten look at Butler, who shifted uncomfortably. Then after a moments thought, his beaten look turned to a scary vampire grin. Butler was unearthed by it, praying no one will get hurt by whatever the boy was thinking.

"I may as well enjoy it." He inwardly groaned, knowing well they were waiting for the storm to hit, in Artemis's case, it was a was tornado.

The class had started without incident (Artemis incident, that is) and had slowly progressed. In that time, Artemis had plotted several illegal escapades, composed his own version of classical piano pieces and jotted down several different ending for his novels. They still hadn't reached his name on the list. His teacher was a large man, with a habit of using the first names of students he liked, and last names of those he didn't. He was also a P.E teacher.

"Fowl!' he yelled, glaring at the young genius. Artemis simply looked back, bothered more when picking which suit he should wear.

"Fowl!" He screeched, louder this time, expecting a response. Said Fowl simply looked at him, with cold and unblinking eyes.

"Answer me Fowl!" He groaned, already feeling to old to deal with the young menace.

"Yes?" Artemis asked, an innocent look that just didn't suit on his face.

"Get out!" He roared. The boys around gasped, Artemis had to be the first boy in history to get kicked out so early in the class. "No." Was his simple answer. The tension in the room soared, with the other boy's eyes darting across the room as if watching an interesting tennis match.

"Now, Fowl!" And to show he meant it, he stamped his foot angrily. His face was red stained from embarrassment.

"A tantrum? Honestly, this school is a joke. Perhaps, good teacher, you should pursue a different career. One with considerably more yelling and less teaching." Said Artemis, with a hint of smugness in his teacher fumed silently for a second, before opening his mouth, then closing it after a second though.

"I've been warned about you, Fowl, you think you can mess with our minds. Manipulative little…. " He trailed off, a challenging expression on his beet red face. "If you had any idea how intelligent I actually am, you would be afraid" And to show he meant it, Artemis gave his infamous vampire students would, in time, come to describe this moment as when the bomb dropped. There was a second of silence, as Artemis' threat sunk in.

"You're… threatening me, Fowl?" The teacher asked, a tone of disbelief.

"No, I am merely waning you of the obvious consequences." Artemis replied. The children and teacher started with disbelief.

"I'm calling the principal…" He said, still staring at the young genius in shock. Artemis merely looked at his nails.

"Fowl." The Dean, Dean Guiney said in a challenging tone.

"O'Connor's." Artemis said, mimicking his tone effortlessly. The air was thick with challenge, one waiting for the other to slip up, the other waiting for the first to let him out. Artemis guessed it would be five minutes.

"This is depressing, it's the first day of a new year. Can't you behave? Or is it too challenging." Mr Guiney said, believing he had just done what no else could, he had tamed Artemis Fowl the Second.

He thought.

"But I was good, sir. I have changed my ways - for mother." Artemis said, looking the picture of innocence. Innocence that had killed a few people and dragged the bodies through the mud, would better fit the description.

"Really… then you won't mind showing a new student around." He asked smugly, expecting a reaction from the young boy.

"Not at all, people are always complimenting my good people skills." Mr Guiney looked suspicious at the comment. "His name is John Smith. There is to be no messing with him, Artemis. I mean it." Mr Guiney glared at the younger man for added effect. Artemis nearly smiled.

John Smith, as his name suggests, is average in the mind of Artemis Fowl. He has no overly important family member, he is not particularly rich, he is not particularly smart, and apparently, he is not particularly Irish.

"So what ya'll call this?" The Moron, as Artemis had dubbed him, said pointing at a large beefy looking food. Artemis sighed in a rude and annoyed way, calling several glares to him.

"That is what we would generally call a sausage. It is a beef made sustenance that is heated up as a food for an average person, such as yourself." Artemis rudely said, as if talking to a person of lesser intelligence. In the case of Artemis, it were true. Very true. The Moron looked disappointed at Artemis's explanation, but immediately cheered up as the next food came up.

"What's _that_!" He asked Artemis, awe evident in his voice. Artemis, however, had already left, deciding he had much better things to do than explain the names and properties of the different foods.

"So Smith… Freak's left, now lets have some fun." Another boy, handsome in his appearance, smirked deviously.

Artemis, after careful consideration, had retreated back to a computer room he had dubbed as 'his'. If one were to talk in, they would find the child genius straight backed, arms on opposing arm rests, chin resting on his intertwined fingers and a look of complete concentration on his young face.

His thoughts raced. Plans both were formed, edited, discarded and saved. Each time, Artemis was careful to perfect every plan before relieving it. He raked his brain for better idea's, yet found none as endearing nor extravagant.

Surprisingly, his genius plan involved Butler, his mansion, weapons, a fairy and enough gold to pay for his fathers search expedition. Little did he know with a little tinkering, and careful mistakes, his plan would become the famous "Artemis Incident."

After his lunch break, Artemis found himself sitting in a decorated classroom surrounded by the people who knew better than to mess with him. In Artemis's opinion, it was a shame The Moron did not interpret the warning signs.

"This weather is so cold! How can ya'll sit there without shivering!" Smith asked Artemis, unaware that said genius had been ignoring since approximately five minutes after meeting. "I mean yesterday, I saw some boy walking around in flip flops!" He said, trying to engage in a conversation the youngest Fowl had no interest in participating.

"Everyone quieten down now." Said the airy voice of their teacher. She seemed to have the appearance of some human-bug hybrid. The flowing dress she wore had a similar resemblance to that of a curtain and Artemis was sure it had been used for some short amount of time.

"Good good… let's start, shall we?" She asked, oblivious to the giggles and whispering around her.

"Where's miss?" Shouted one of the boys.

"Everyone take a copy… no! No paper planes!" She tried to explain. Artemis had the distinct impression she would be useless the entire lesson.

"Here you go, love." She said, as she handed one to Artemis, who rudely ignored her. She then passed one on to Smith, who had still been attempting to converse with Artemis.

Artemis zoned out, happy to continue plotting his devious and mostly illegal escapades. Perfecting his plan to keep hold of the fairy, or alternates if the fairies couldn't be found. One of these alternates included kidnapping a person of royalty. If asked, Artemis would say nothing, but merely grin his unnerving smile and deny any plan that involved a kidnapping, and a royal family member.

"Fowl!" Yelled Allen Gardiner, another boy Artemis has suffered the displeasure of meeting.

"Can you tell us the answer, pet?" The teacher, who Artemis missed the name of, asked. Artemis sneered at her, yet didn't speak.

"Planning on seeing Guiney again, Fowl?" Snickered Anthony.

"He's not very nice." Whispered Smith. Artemis resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"He has the same level of pleasantness as you have intelligence." The Moron scowled at Artemis, who ignored him.

"You don't know? Okay… I'll ask the nice chap next to you." She said, completely oblivious to the exchange that had occurred in front of her.

"I can assure you that I am perfectly aware of the answer. The reason I do not discuss said answer with you because you obviously won't understand a word I say." Artemis challenged. The teacher huffed in annoyance.

"Do you not realise that if you don't discuss it and it's wrong, then you go for an exam, you'll lose marks." Artemis quietly chuckled to himself.

"Would I fail? Like you had on your recent university degree. Sciences, if I'm not mistaken." This time, the teacher definitely looked annoyed. Severely annoyed.

"Your accusations are merely speculation, Sherlock." She loudly proclaimed. The other students stopped to listen as their teacher's clueless voice took a complete turn to snap at the genius boy.

"At this point, my dear teacher, but would like to explain your last three weeks?" Said Artemis, a devious smirk on his pale face. The teacher almost growled.

"Out."

"You do realise this is the second time I've had to see you today?" Dean Guiney asked as Artemis elegantly raised an eyebrow.

"I am well informed in the matter."

"Would you mind telling me why, Mr Fowl?" Mr Guiney his soft voice with an edge.

"The teachers you have hired are incompetent. The students you let in are moronic. The curriculum you teach in senseless and the information is incorrect." Said Artemis, not missing a note. Mr Guiney slammed a folder down onto the desk, yet the younger boy didn't even flinch.

"One more time, and we call your mother." Mr Guiney threatened. This time, Artemis did roll his eyes.

The rest of the day surprisingly went without incident. Artemis had remained shockingly quiet and polite, going as far as actually answering the work the teachers had handed out. Of course, each teacher had been delighted to learn the young boy's critical attention had, for once, not been pointed at them but instead the other classmates. Even then, his remarks had been simple and easy to ignore.  
John Smith had attempted a great deal of times to converse with Artemis, reluctant to accept the fact Artemis had been ignoring him. Though Smith did not find Artemis particularly interesting as a person, he had to grudgingly admit his articulate speech gave Smith gained the distinct impression that he belonged to a powerful and influential family. Smith loved having the benefits of friends in high places.

"Last class, huh?" He asked an annoyed looking Artemis.

"I didn't noticed." Artemis replied dryly.

It was true, though. Artemis had forced himself to quietly endure the day with little more than a small comment from time to time. His patience, however, grew thin.

"Yah know… reciting Shakespeare can getcha any girl." He said with an amused twinkle in his eye. Artemis tried his best to ignore the urge to call Butler on the mindless boy.

"Well, that's what my brother told me. Gonna try it sometime. I mean, chicks dig that stuff!" He said with pride over his knowledge. Again, Artemis felt that urge.

"Whaddya think that racoon is talking 'bout, anyway?" He asked Artemis after a few moments.

"Try listening. It helps." Artemis deadpanned. Smith glared at him for a moment, then decided Artemis would probably continue to ignore him.

"Mr. Fowl, what do you think Shakespeare is trying to say here?"

_'That you are an incompetent teacher that shall hopefully never teach again. If so, I do fear the for the future of the human race_', "The sexual hunger and sadness represented through various forms of symbolism." Artemis said with an uninterested tone. The teacher beamed at him, and Artemis had the sudden thought of a dark eye lined rodent.

"What about this sentence: 'else call it winter, which being full of care, makes summer's welcome thrice more wished, more rare.' She asked, and Artemis stared at her with utter disinterest.

"Excuse my manners" - There were many snickers and laughs throughout the room. - " but I fail to see the purpose of reviewing Elizabethan poetry when I clearly have a higher understanding Shakespeare. Perhaps you should move upon to the more challenged student. The ones, in case you have missed, that have taken up a vacant expression, such as Mr Gardiner here." He finished. Several people with laughed at the expression Allen Gardiner had, whilst others shot Artemis dirty looks. The teacher had a look of complete bewilderment set upon her face.

"Well…. Yes. I suppose so." She said as she recovered.

"Also, I wish to get permission for a library pass to study something more advanced instead of working with these idiots." He said, as he gestured to the class, Smith in particular.

"I… I'll set you something more challenging after I've dealt with the class." She said, glaring. Artemis chuckled.

"I look forward to it." He lied. It took the teacher almost ten minutes to think of something complex enough to occupy the cause for her greying hair, and even then she didn't think it would be enough to satisfy him. Sighing, and picked up an essay paper sitting on her desk and stalked over to the menace of her teaching career, who was scribbling something down on a piece of paper.  
"Artemis, I want you to write an essay on the Shakespeare poem we've been working on." He raised an eye at this, yet made no further comment. The teacher, shocked at his rapt attention, stared for a moment before jumping in to a nervous explanation. "I want you to write an essay on 'What poetic techniques has Shakespeare used to portray love in sonnet 56. After that, I want you to write a detailed answer on the meaning on each word and how it plays in the sentence, and lastly, if you finish, you can write a translated version into today's language." She finished, smirking slightly as his attention wavered.

"As interesting as that sounds… I have better things to do." He said. The teacher wondered how long it would take before the pale skinned boy gave her an aneurism.

Butler sat in the comfortable chair in front of the school's principal with Artemis on his right. The principal, who was glaring at Artemis, hadn't spoken a word as of yet, and Butler wondered if he really had to be there.

"Mr. Butler." Guiney eventually said, shaking hands with the larger man.

"Guiney." Butler replied in the same tone, glancing worriedly in Artemis' direction, wondering what the young boy had done.

"I would like to sort out a few issue's here." He said. Butler had already came to that conclusion. It's not everyday that a parental figure, while waiting to pick up their child, had been approached by the principal, hoping to talk about the young child.

"Today alone, on this first day, has been sent to me three bloody times." Guiney said, losing his temper. Guiney glared hard at Artemis, who appeared to be texting. Butler nudged him and gave him a pointed look.

"What has Artemis done?" Butler asked, in a polite tone.

"First, told a teacher to stop teaching. To that same teacher, he threatened. Secondly, he caused a much loved teacher to cry because of his accusations. Lastly, he ridiculed the teacher, called the other students idiots and refused to do the work, complaining he had 'better thing's to do'." He spat. Butler tried not to chuckle at the normal behaviours of Artemis having such an effect on the school's teaching staff.

"The only reason I'm not calling his parents is because no one's answering!" Guiney yelled. Butler already knew. Artemis had sent him a text telling him to ignore any phone calls made before.

"What do you except me to do?" The body guard asked politely.

"Talk to him! Ground him! Whip him for all I care!" He shouted. "I just want him to stop sending our teacher's away. This is the third teacher that's left because of him! And it's only his second year!"  
Artemis grinned to himself, seeing the principal lose control like that. Butler gave him a disapproving look, which turned into a frown when he pulled out the notes he'd been writing in his English class.

"Actually, I have an idea." Guiney airily said, with a joyous look on his face. " I know a place that deal with kids all the time. You see, instead of going to class, one lesson a day there will be a guidance counsellor come into the school to teach Artemis one-on-one, while also helping him with any problems he might have." Artemis gave him a dangerous look.

"Let us go, Butler. It seems this failed football star has been wasting our time." Artemis said, already standing. Butler could merely follow his long time friend and employer.

Butler and Artemis sat in total silence. Butler was worried, while Artemis sat at ease, staring down the length of the car.

"You really want to do this?" Butler asked again. Artemis shot him an amused look.

"Of course. What would happen if something went wrong in a plan and I needed to drive?"

"You could walk." Butler said, trying for a final time to talk his charge out of driving lessons.

"I think I'll enjoy this more." Artemis said, choosing not to point out various forms of arguments to counter Butler's. Butler sighed and strapped himself in, double checking the seat belt. It took only a moment for Artemis to start the car, and step on the speed pedal.

"Slow down!" Butler yelled over the sound of the car. Artemis ignored him. Suddenly, they were jerked to the side.

"What was that?"

"Little girl…" Artemis said without interest. There was a bump, and Butler's head slammed into the roof.

"What about that?"

"The little girl." Artemis said. Butler's head whipped around, searching for the injured - perhaps dead - girl. He turned a glare on his charge when he heard the chuckling.

"Pull over and I'll drive the rest of the way!" Butler said, praying the boy would listen. All of a sudden, they came to a sudden halt. Artemis gracefully changed seats and waited for Butler to regain his senses.

"You did that on purpose."

"You agreed with that idiot." Artemis said. He knew, for a fact, Butler feared lack of control. Seeing the parked Bentley had given him an idea, and he quickly convinced the man to instruct him.  
Butler gave him a look and started the car, knowing the boy would get back at the principal and nanny in ways that are far worst. As he saw Artemis take out his notes, he quickly glanced over them.

'_Oh damn_.' He thought.

**A/N - I know Artemis doesn't have any counselling until the second book, but I'm choosing to ignore it.  
Okay, I've reposted this chapter earlier than I had planned because I'm happy with it. The rest of the chapters were mostly rushed, and I want time to edit them and change a few things. There will be little changes, and there will be massive changes. I apologize for taking THIS chapter down, but I wanted to make it longer (each chapter will end when the day ends, 'kay?). The other chapters were only rushed and didn't make sense because I wrote them at obscure hours of the night (generally when I watch 'Teen Titans' which starts at 12:50 in my country. Isn't it lovely?  
Also, the essay question for our dearest Arty is one I had to do earlier this year (which sucked, because we only got a day to do it in). **


End file.
